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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Power of your thoughts

Power of your thoughts
The focus of your attention enlarges and expands whatever you focus upon.
That can either hurt you greatly or help you immensely.
Your complaints, for example, give more power and presence to whatever you
complain about. Your love, on the other hand, gives more substance to
whatever you love.
Put the focus of your attention not on what you wish to avoid. Instead,
constantly direct your attention toward where you would like your life to
go.
Your unceasing thoughts have great power. So frame those thoughts in a
positive way that will put their power to work for you.
The more you think you are, the more you are. What you do flows surely and
steadily from what you think, so keep your thoughts focused on your dreams.
Give life to your best intentions by giving the power of your thoughts to
them. Make your dreams real by keeping them constantly in your thoughts.

Tune in every Sunday morning to www.blogtalkradio.com/staoradio or call in
to listen 323-693-3008. Share your thoughts and show your support to make
a difference.

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Friday, August 26, 2011

LOVE IS THE KEY

All negative thoughts and feelings are simply love under pressure. Every
action you take and every word you speak is an expression of love. Anger,
sadness, greed and guilt are just contracted forms of energy that
originally came from love, yet were contorted by the mind. If you look
closely, you'll find that everything in this Universe comes from love.
This may be a radical idea to digest and religiously implement in your
personal belief system, yet I invite you to try on these new prescription
"love glasses" for a week or two. The slightest change in ones perspective
can dramatically shift everything!
"He that sees the Self sees the Divine. All that you see depends on the
seer. Apart from the seer there is no seen." ~Sri Ramana Maharshi


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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Power to Live

Power to live
You are much more powerful, creative and effective than you give yourself
credit for being. You are worthy of the best in life because you are able
to give your very best to each day.
Start that fortunate process in motion. Open yourself to the positive
possibilities of this day and work to bring the best of them to reality.

Whatever good, valuable and meaningful things you can imagine, you can
create. Though it requires effort and commitment, you are absolutely
capable of making it happen.

Remind yourself that this moment is not merely happening to you. It is
happening through you.
You can make it happen in a way that brings great richness to your world
and fulfillment to your life. You can choose to be a positive force by
directing your potent energy into those things that truly matter.
Right now, you have great power to do great things. Step forward in truth,
sincerity, and authenticity, and put that power to use.


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Friday, August 19, 2011

Be better

Be better
If your life could use some positive momentum, make some. Make the choice
and take the action that will bring some real, new, positive value to this
day.
You don't have to wait for things to get better. Because you can take it
upon yourself to be better.
It doesn't matter what else might be going on. There is more than enough
goodness within you to make a real difference when you give some of that
goodness to the world around you.
Just one authentically positive action can change the whole dynamic of your
day. Think of how much more effective you'll be with some positive momentum
on your side, then get busy and do something to put it there.
You are never at the mercy of random circumstance. You can transform any
circumstance, any situation, any event by virtue of how you choose to see
it and to live it.
Take this day and live it in the best way you can imagine. Establish some
powerful, positive momentum and let it carry you in the direction of your
greatest dreams.


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Thursday, August 18, 2011

What is easy

What is easy
Easy is overrated. Though easy is nice and convenient, it is not essential.
Many good, valuable and worthwhile things are not easy. Unfortunately,
perfectly acceptable options are too often overlooked simply because they
are not easy.
Life is not always easy. And yet life is very much worth living, and very
much worth the trouble and effort it often requires.
If you only seek the easiest way, you'll miss out on the best way. If you
avoid what is not easy, you'll deny yourself great richness.
When you expect everything to be easy, you'll have to lower your other
expectations. Many of life's greatest treasures are so valuable precisely
because they are so difficult to attain.
Go to the trouble, make the effort, and take on the difficult challenges.
For out there beyond the comfort of what is easy, you can create and
experience the magnificence of what is great.


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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

CHANGE OF FOCUS

Don't waste your time complaining about what brings you down. Instead, get
yourself away from it in whatever way you can.
If you're in a negative pattern, break the pattern by establishing a new,
more meaningful, positive and empowering one. Doing what you've always done
will continue to get you what you've always gotten, and to get a change you
must make a change.
Reach inside and reacquaint yourself with what you truly care about. Your
authentic purpose is far more important than keeping up old habits or
superficial appearances.
This is your life and this is your opportunity to do something positive
about it. You are far more powerful than you've allowed yourself to be.
Decide to use that power in the service of what is most important to you.
Though a Change of Focus will initially be frightening and uncomfortable,
you will soon feel you're right where you belong.
The beautiful possibilities are calling. NOW is your moment to Focus your
life upon, and to allow, what really matters.



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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Pathway to fulfillment

Pathway to fulfillment

Life is not about just getting by. Life is about reaching ever higher,
building one achievement on top of another, and creating real, meaningful
value in each moment.
A common stone on the ground does a great job of just getting by. You, on
the other hand, are destined for much more spectacular things.
Yes indeed, you will most certainly encounter a whole lot of challenges
when you make the effort to raise your world even a little bit higher. The
good thing is, you are superbly equipped to thrive on those challenges.
If life seems unfulfilling, it's not because of the challenges or
limitations that stand in your way. It's because you refuse to see the
exceptional opportunities that those challenges represent.
This is your precious and unique life, and it is absolutely worth all the
trouble and effort you must go through to make it great. Within you at this
moment are beautiful dreams, and you can begin to live in the direction of
those dreams whenever you choose.
Let go of the false security of just getting by, and get yourself focused
on a purpose that will bring your life gloriously to life. Your very own
pathway to fulfillment is just one quick step away.




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What if They Don't Believe

What if They
Don't Believe?





TODAY'S SCRIPTURE


"What if some did not believe? Shall their unbelief make the faith of God
without effect?"
(Romans 3:3, KJV)


So often, people allow the opinions of others to hold them back and water
down their dreams. We have to realize, there will always be critics and
naysayers in life. One of the most important things you can learn is that
other people don't have to believe in you in order for your dreams to come
to pass. Other people don't set the limits for your life — you do. It's not
what others say about you that affects your life, but what you say and
believe about yourself. In today's verse, the apostle Paul is saying, "It
doesn't matter if other people don't believe. Their unbelief is not going
to keep me from believing in my dreams." When God puts a promise in your
heart, it's not up to other people to bring it to pass, it's up to you! You
don't need everyone to validate you. You have to follow the voice of God
for yourself and allow Him to order your steps.


Today, know that God sees the hidden treasures inside of you. He wants to
bring those treasures out and make your dreams reality. As you get rid of
the old, defeated thoughts and replace them with what God says about you,
you will remove the limits so you can live the abundant life God has in
store for you!





A PRAYER FOR TODAY


Heavenly Father, thank You for another day to see Your goodness in my life.
Help me to see myself the way You see me. Help me to see the plans You have
for me so that I can be empowered by You to fulfill my destiny. I love You
and bless Your name today. In Jesus' Name. Amen



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Thursday, August 11, 2011

DID YOU KNOW

Intimate Partner Violence

The Department of Justice found that women ages 16 - 24 are the most likely
victims of intimate partner violence (US Dept. of Justice, Bureau of Statistics,
October 2001).
As many as 1 in 5 couples in the United States experience at least 1 episode of
partner-to-partner violence.
Women are more likely than men to be repeatedly abused, injured, or die as a
result of partner violence.
Women are more willing to disclose violent episodes than men. Women who are
assaulted are 9 times more likely than men to report it to the police and 5 times
more likely to tell a friend or relative.
35-50% of victims of intimate partner violence are male.
It is estimated that in this country a woman is severely assaulted by her male
partner every 15 seconds, and a man is severely assaulted by his female partner
every 14.6 seconds.
About 8-10% of male-to-female partner violence is reported, while only 1-2% of
female-to-male partner violence is reported.
The majority of victims murdered by their current or former intimate partners are
either estranged, separated, or in the process of leaving the relationship.
Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted in the United States, usually by her male
partner.
32% of college students report dating violence by a previous partner and 21%
report violence by a current partner. National Center for Victims of Crime, 2006.
61% of female homicide victims were wives or intimate acquaintances of their
killers. NCADV Violence Policy Center Annual Report, 2004.
About 1 in 320 households were affected by intimate partner violence.
Female victims are more likely to be victimized by intimates than male victims.
In 2005, of offenders victimizing females, 18% were described as intimates and
34% as strangers. By contrast, of offenders victimizing males, 3% were described
as intimates and 54% as strangers.

Of females killed with a firearm, almost two-thirds were killed by their
intimate partners. The number of females shot and killed by their husband
or intimate partner was more than three times higher than the total number
murdered by male strangers using all weapons combined in single
victim/single offender incidents in 2002.
The Violence Pol'y Ctr., When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2002
Homicide Data: Females Murdered by Males in Single Victim/Single Offender
Incidents, at 7 (2004), available at
http://www.vpc.org/studies/wmmw2004.pdf



Teens

18-24 year-olds comprised only 11.7% of the population in 1998 and 2002, but were the
majority of victims of violence committed by a boyfriend or girlfriend (42%).
Matthew R. Durose et al., U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 207846, Bureau of Justice
Statistics, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and
Acquaintances, at 11 (2005), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/fvs.pdf
Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or
sexually abused by a dating partner.
Jay G. Silverman et al., Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated
Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and
Suicidality, 286 J. Am. Med. Ass'n 572-579 (2001).
In a study of eighth and ninth graders, 25 percent indicated that they had been victims
of dating violence, including eight percent who disclosed being sexually abused.
Vangie A. Foshee et al., The Safe Date Project: Theoretical Basis, Evaluation Design,
and Selected Baseline Findings, 12 Am. J. of Preventive Med. 39 (1996).
In a survey of 232 high school girls, 17.8% of the participants indicated that they had
been forced to engage in sexual activity against their will by a dating partner.
David R. Jezl, Christian E. Molidor & Tracy L. Wright, Physical, Sexual & Psychological
Abuse in High School Dating Relationships: Prevalence Rates and Self-esteem Issues, 13
Child & Adolescent Soc. Work J. 69 (1996).
Among female students between the ages of 15-20 who reported at least one violent act
during a dating relationship, 24% reported experiencing extremely violent incidents
such as rape or the use of weapons against them.
P.Y. Symons et al., Prevalence and Predictors of Adolescent Dating Violence, 7 J. of
Child & Adolescent Pediatric Nursing 14 (1994).
Girls who reported that they had been sexually or physically abused were more than
twice as likely as non abused girls to report smoking (26% versus 10%), drinking (22%
versus 12%), and using illegal drugs (30% versus 13%). In addition, 32 percent of girls
who had been abused reported bingeing and purging, compared to 12 percent of girls who
had not been abused.
Cathy Schoen et al., The Commonwealth Fund, The Commonwealth Fund Survey of the Health
of Adolescent Girls (1997).
In a study of 724 adolescent mothers between the ages of 12-18, one of every eight
pregnant adolescents reported having been physically assaulted by the father of her
baby during the preceding 12 months. Of these, 40 percent also reported experiencing
violence at the hands of a family member or relative.
Constance M. Wiemann et al., Pregnant Adolescents: Experiences and Behaviors Associated
with Physical Assault by an Intimate Partner, 4 Maternal & Child Health J. 93 (2000).
Physical aggression occurs in 1 in 3 teen dating relationships.
Sarah Avery-Leaf & Michele Cascardi, Dating Violence Education: Prevention and Early
Intervention Strategies, in Preventing Violence in Relationships 82 (Paul A. Schewe
ed., 2002).
Fifty to eighty percent of teens report knowing someone involved in a violent
relationship.
Maura O'Keefe & Laura Trester, Victims of Dating Violence Among High School Students, 4
Violence Against Women 195 (1998). See also Family Violence Prevention Fund, The Facts
on Teenagers and Intimate Partner Violence,
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/Teenagers.pdf (2006); and National Center for
Victims of Crime, Teen Dating Violence Sheet, http://www.ncvc.org/dvrc (2004).




Children







Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence
against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American
Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA
Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)
Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family
violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The
overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence
Against Women, February, 1999.)
A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who
assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The
Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989)
Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where
there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow,
"Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990)
A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and
Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse,"
International Journal of Health Services, 1988)
The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse.
(Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife
Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988)
Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable
to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller,
"Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986)
In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are
at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive
families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988)
A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest
risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the
next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family:
Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the
Family,1996)
Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more
likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children
from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The
Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of
Orthopsychiatry, 1981)
Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend
or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered
Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78)
In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes
where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14
attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were
injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)


WE MUST SOUND THE ALARM!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

FILL(FEEL) YOUR AWARENESS

Feel that way
What would your life be like if you were living at the most meaningful and
fulfilled level you can imagine? If you want to be that way, then choose to
feel that way.
Your desires are yours because of the way you expect they will make you
feel. Yet no matter what your outside situation may be, your inner feelings
are yours to choose in any flavor, at any time, in any circumstance.
By choosing the feelings that resonate with your dreams, you give real
substance and life to those dreams. By deciding to feel that way, you
become that way.
Though it may seem sometimes your feelings simply come over you, that's not
the way it happens. Whatever you feel is what you have, by habit or by
intention, chosen to feel.
So instead of feeling hopeless, decide to feel empowered. Instead of
feeling angry or bitter, frustrated or fearful, choose to feel determined
and effective.
Allow your most positive, affirming feelings to fill your awareness. And
ride along with those feelings as they find real expression in the
substance of your life.

Continue to SOUND THE ALARM!!

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Monday, August 8, 2011

I believe God wants you to know

Dear Friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that normal is not something to aspire to, it's something
to get away from.

Jody Foster said that, and she was right. Never settle
for normal. Never. Normal is not natural. Extraordinary
is natural. Who do you think you are, anyway...?

What will you do today that is extraordinary? Plan it.
Think it through. And do it. All the angels in heaven
are waiting. And even if you 'fail', it will have been an
extraordinary effort. That qualifies as extraordinary.

Love, Your Friend....Atara Estes.

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In the Words of A Song!

In The Words of A Song!


Yesterday, I heard a song that blessed my soul.  The words of the chorus
were:


"As good as God has been to me, I can't afford not to praise His name. As
good as God has been to me, I'm Gonne give him the highest praise.
HALELUYA, HALELUYA, give Him the highest praise."


     It was obvious to me that this songwriter had a testimony.  He had
some hard places to get through.  He had some lonely days and sleepless
nights.  He had some impossibilities that were made possible.  In the midst
of it all, he found the answer.  Give God the Praise!


     Many of us are looking for answers to questions that really don't
matter in the grand scheme of living in God.  If we would take that same
energy and just give God the praise, those answer, questions, concerns,
matters, desires, problems, etc.—would not matter as much to us.


     Time and time again, God has given you something to praise Him for.
Time after time, you've missed it.  If you have your health, you have a
praise.  If you have your mind, you have a praise.  If you can move under
your own strength, you have a praise.  You have a job, food, clothing,
breath, and life, you have a praise!  Even if you don't have what you want,
you have what you need so, you have a praise.


     The Bible says to let everything that has breath, praise the Lord.
That includes you.


     Praise God today!  Now is the acceptable time.  As good as He has been
to you, you don't have a right not to praise Him.


 Angela B. Allen Copyright @2002 Words of Encouragement


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Thursday, August 4, 2011

Find a way to Praise

Greetings everyone,

Today we wonder how long these storms will really last in our lives. Have I
done anything wrong to have this turmoil to come into my life? When the
storms just keep on raging in my life what am I to do?

Well I have been asking myself this exact same question. Is there really an
answer to all of these dysfunctions that has taken place in our life? My
body is sick, my mind is confused, and my spirit is weary. Enough is enough
and I just can not take this anymore.

Don't fret my friend. God is there with you in the midst of it all. God is
a healer and he can heal your body. God is a mind regulator who can give
you peace. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we
shall reap, if we faint not.

These life obstacles will come our way. It is only in how we handle them
when they surface unexpectedly in our lives. No one said that you have the
answers to every situation but know that trouble do not last always. You
cry today and smile tomorrow. Let Go and Let God!!! Yes it is hard no one
said it would be easy but you have a friend that will give you strength to
make it through another day.

So my friend be encourage in well doing because your season to rejoice is
upon you. It is just a minor setback right now. Learn the lesson and apply
it to your journey box. I love you all very much. Keep praying for me and I
will do the same for each and everyone of you.

Praise your way out of your troubles. You do not have to wait for the
battle to be over you can shout now!!! Ask him for the wisdom. The Holy
Spirit is waiting to give it to you and only you.

Be blessed just as you are!!! Get radical for Christ he is raising up true
soldiers for his army.

Here is a Happy Smile for you!!


Sound The Alarm Outreach!!!


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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Enlighten the World

The secret to enlightening the world around you is to enlighten the world
within you.  By learning how to love yourself deeply and completely just
the way you are, you tap into the infinite divine power
of Grace/God//Source.  When you are living 24-7 in this state of positive
mind, connected to Source, an enlightened world must truly show itself to
you. As this understanding spreads to your family and friends, it will
move like a wave across the planet, creating an enlightened world around
you that is a pure joy to live in.

 "One individual who lives and vibrates to the energy of optimism and a
willingness to be nonjudgmental of others will counterbalance the
negativity of 90,000 individuals who calibrate at the lower weakening
levels while one individual who lives and vibrates to the energy of pure
love and reverence for all of life will counterbalance the negativity of
750,000 individuals who calibrate at the lower weakening levels."  ~ Dr.
David Hawkins


Here is 1 powerful step you can take today to create an enlightened world
around you:

1. Drop Judging Others and Raise your Consciousness.  Stop wasting your
time judging others, and finding fault with their level of emotional and
spiritual evolution.  If you spot it, you've got it.  What you see "out
there" is what is energetically being felt on your inner world.  If you
focus on how poor people are, you simply feel deeply impoverished on your
inner world.  It's vital that you focus all of your energies on the
positive aspects of people.  These will then show up with yourself.  As you
go through your day, notice what kind of energy are you sending out towards
people.  The more you can embrace and express the beauty and love that
resides at their core, the easier you'll feel it within you.  The world
around you will reflect what is happening inside you.  Each time you
allow the divine, all loving and empowering energy of your Divine Self to
be seen in others, you literally shift the vibration of this planet!  Do
this enough and there will be more love, compassion, and harmony
circulating through the planet.

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Its Not So Easy to Leave

 By: smileyone0329
Age: 36-40, Woman

What's Your Story

Its Not So Easy to LeavePosted June 27th, 2008 at 10:38AM

SOUND THE ALARM!!!!


Twenty one years ago, I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was handsome, worldly & very charismatic. Our relationship was intense, exciting & passionate. So when he asked me to marry him, I didn't even think for a second before I accepted. After the wedding, we moved 1300 miles from my family. I was so excited to have this marvelous adventure with my new husband. Little did I realize that this was the beginning of it all. I realize now that moving was his way of making me more dependent on him. I knew no one in this small town in Florida. He knew many. About a month after we moved, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. I lasted six months in Florida. I hated it. I was 19, pregnant & 1300 miles away from anyone that loved me, except for him. I needed my mom. He agreed, reluctantly, to move back to Chicago. After our son was born, his whole attitude changed. His frustration with having to move back here was building. One month after our son was born, I received the first of at least 100 beatings. Our relationship lasted 13 years, total. Every time I tried to assert myself, I was beat down. Not always physicallly. He was a master at emotional torment. Its hard to remain positive about life or have any self esteem when the one person in your life that you depend on keeps telling you what a fat, lazy, slob you are. After a while, you just begin to believe it. That lasted for years. I was so drained by all of his tyrades that I didn't even have the energy to deal with life.






There is a cycle to violence in a relationship. Anyone who has ever been involved in domestic violence therapy will tell you that its hard to get out. It starts with a "honeymoon phase". Life is blissful. He is the man that you fell in love with. Then there is a tension building phase. Little by little the tension builds. Sometimes its not even noticeable until the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Then comes the explosion. Whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or sexual, as much as it hurts, its almost a relief because the tension is gone. The tension can get so unbearable that some victims will even entice the explosion just to get past the tension. I was guilty of that on a few occasions because I knew that once the explosion was over, we could get back to the honeymoon phase again. There is no timeline on how long the cycle takes. It could be days or it could be months or years.






To recount all of the incidents here would not serve any purpose except to sicken those who read this. But there are three incidents that were turning points in this sick relationship. The first turning point was the day I realized that my husband was crazy. He was yelling at me because I had gone out after work with some girls from work for a drink. One of the girls was leaving the company. When I got home, he started calling me all kinds of nasty names. I had had it with his mouth & told him to go crack open another beer. At that point, he punched me in the face & dislocated my jaw. I vividly remember standing there, swaying, thinking to myself "I am NOT going to fall. I am not going to give him the satisfaction". Well, as hard as I tried, I couldn't keep standing. The spinning got the better of me & I hit the floor. Immediately he was standing over me, straddling my body, telling me to NEVER speak to him like that. I saw my opportunity to get away in the way he was standing with his legs spread right above me. I balled up my fist & I KNOW I made contact with his testicles. The man didn't even flinch. I knew, right then & there, that I was going to end up dead by this man's hand some day if I didn't get out. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. My opportunity to hit the trail had gone up in smoke.






My pregnancy with her was a difficult one. I had many problems & the doctor had prepared me for the worst. Every test I had came back that she had some sort of serious problem. My husband had taken all of this to heart & was actually behaving himself. He was supportive & protective of me. The day she was born, there were at least a dozen people in scrubs in the OR (she was cesarean). When she was born they whisked her off to the neonatal unit & my husband followed her. As I laid in the recovery room, I asked the nurse just who those three men were that were standing in the corner of the OR in scrubs. She told me "Honey, those were security guards. Your doctor was afraid that if your daughter didn't make it when she was born, that everyone's safety in the OR was at risk". I was shocked. I never said anything about it to my husband. He was pretty self involved because he had just had rotator cuff surgery. When I got home, it was clear there were going to be problems. My husband was no help whatsoever & I was in a lot of pain. Our daughter's crib was in our bedroom. As we lay in bed that night, she began to cry. Having a cesarean makes it difficult to use your abdominal muscles for a bit. I was having a hard time getting out of bed. As I am trying to get myself up, he said to me "aren't you going to get up"? I told him I was trying, but was having a hard time. So he says "Here, let me help you", & promptly kicked me right off the bed. I got up, clenching my stomach, hoping I had not torn the staples holding my insides in & grabbed my daughter out of bed. I took her into the living room, fed her & rocked her back to sleep. Then, as she lay sleeping in my arms, I got up & went to the kitchen. In the kitchen I found his fillet knife he uses when he fishes. I took that knife & my daughter & went into the bedroom. I stood over my husband as he slept with my daughter in one hand & that knife in the other trying to decide where I was going to stab that man. Then I realized if I didn't kill him immediately, he would take that knife & kill me, for sure. That would mean that my children would be raised by him, alone. I decided he wasn't worth it & went out to the living room to sleep with my daughter in the recliner. He never knew that he almost died that night.


Three months later, I lost my job of almost 10 years. I saw another opportunity to run for my life fly right out the window. I became so depressed that in one year I was hospitalized 3 times for breakdowns. The doctors knew my husband was a big source of my depression & panic attacks, but instead of helping me find a way out, they chose to have me confront him while I was in the hospital. I think they thought that if I confronted him while I was hospitalized, in front of a mediator, that I would be safe. That was really a big mistake. He sat quietly in the conference room & listened to what I had to say. But I could see I was going to get the beating of a lifetime when I got home for talking to strangers about what happened in our home. By the time it was over, I had to be sedated because I was so freaked out & fearful. When I got home, I knew I needed to put a plan in order to try to get free. I took my meds & did my therapy. I began to put my ducks in a row. My husband saw me beginning to get better & became aggitated by it. One night, I sat him down at the table & told him I wanted a divorce. I was feeling empowered by my progress towards being better. We argued. During the argument, I went to use the washroom. My 3 yr old daughter followed me into the bathroom, as most 3 yr olds will do. He came to the door, burst through it, knocking our daughter over with the door & kicked me in the thigh as I sat on the toilet. I grabbed the kids & ran for the door. I went to a neighbors & called the police. It was certainly not the first time they had been to our house. They came, guns drawn. They arrested him for domestic violence, told me to go get an order of protection & then told me that my leg looked fine. He obviously hadn't kicked me very hard. It was actually quite the opposite. The muscles were what was bruised so it took about 3 days before the blood came to the surface. When it did, I had a distinct shoe print that was black & purple. Over time, the bruising ran down my leg. It took weeks to disappear.




That was the final straw. I knew that if I stayed, both of my children would grow up thinking that this was normal. My son would be an abuser & my daughter would allow people to abuse her. The next day, I called him from work & told him that he had until I came home from work to get himself & his things out of the house or he was going back to jail. He left, but continued to terrorize me for a few years. Even divorcing him didn't seem to phase him. He violated the order of protection on 2 occasions & was not charged with a crime. The third time he left threatening messages on my answering machine. He threatened to blow up the house with us in it & beat up our son (he was 12 at the time) for not answering the phone. While the police were at my home taking the report, my ex's brother phoned. He called to tell me that my ex had gotten into his mother's gun collection & was on his way to my home. That was when the police did something about it. He was finally arrested. But even in the court room, he would look at me, wink & blow kisses. The state's attorney used those very actions to show the judge that this man was a danger to me & my children. He was sentenced to a whopping 2 years, was out in 6 months & started right back up where he left off. It took me selling my home & moving in the dead of the night with no forwarding address to get some peace.




In all of this, I had thought I had saved my children. We went through domestic violence therapy through a women's shelter in the area for almost 2 years. During one of our family sessions, my son looked at me (he was 14 at the time) & said "Mom, you have no idea what its like to watch your father try to kill your mother & not be able to do anything about it". Chilling words from a teenager. My daughter is 11 now & still remembers the time "the police came & took Bob away for kicking Mom on the toilet". My son & I have Post traumatic stress disorder. He has other issues directly related to the things he has witnessed. At 20 years old, he seems to find himself in relationships with girls who have behaviors eerily similiar to those of his father. My concern was that my son would be an abuser & he allows women to abuse him. I have shown him time & time again the similiarities between this relationship he is currently in & my marriage to his father. He won't even consider that they are similiar.




Its been 8 years since I got out. Its been an uphill struggle all the way. My ex is back in Florida now & will call or write my mom occasionally since he has no idea how to contact me or the kids. We remain hidden. But every time he comes back to Chicago, he calls my mom & wants to see the kids, which is against the court orders of the divorce. On your average day, I can say, I have moved past it all & am not afraid of him anymore. But when he rears his ugly head, I am right back to where I was in the first months of our separation. I am afraid to turn on lights at night, unable to sleep without nightmares & afraid to go outside, for fear he may see us somewhere.






All I can say is this... If you can't seem to get out for yourself... Do it for your kids. Don't justify that he's only mean to you. It has lifelong consequences for all of you.